Showing posts with label being real. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being real. Show all posts

Waving the White Flag

I surrender.

I don't know all the answers. I can't get it all done in time. I'm only one person whose heart is trying as hard as possible. I can't be it all, have it all, do it all.

I surrender....

joyfully and with no expectations for anything else.

I surrender ...

and with my surrender, I will simply focus on loving my God, loving my husband, and loving my children the best that I can.

I surrender...

I will ask for help. I will say no more often. I will allow others to see that I don't have it all together. I will be human.

I surrender .... I surrender it all.

Posted in: , , on Sunday, April 25, 2010 at at 3:58 PM 3 comments  

Crushed

Oswald Chambers said, "...but it takes a heart broken by conviction of sin, baptized by the Holy Spirit, and crushed into submission to God's purpose to make a person's life a holy example of God's message."

I keep saying to Cory lately that I feel like we have been in survival mode for the last 3 or so years. We are doing all that we can, just to keep our heads above the water.

When I read Chambers thoughts this morning, I realized that survival mode can also feel like being "crushed into submission to God's purpose."

Surprisingly, I was encouraged by this. No matter how hard things are, no matter how exhausted I am, or how badly I just want things to be easier, I am stubbornly in love with our God. And I refuse to move or change without knowing His perfect will for me.

I want my life to be a holy example of God's message.... even if that means I need to be crushed again and again.

Posted in: , , on Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at at 11:57 AM 1 comments  

Home Sick

Did y'all know that I am pregnant? I think most of you do. Yep, Wednesday marks 13 weeks for me. Finally I have made it to the second trimester, a feat in which needs to be marked as victorious for me, as it has been the hardest first trimester of a pregnancy yet.

I've been incognito for so long. I haven't blogged, emailed or called friends, and have been behind on most family things. No, I am not depressed, praise God! I just can't explain it... on a blog, on the phone, in an email, or even completely in person.

My lovely hormones.... they are not helping my life one bit these days. Irritability? Yep. Exhaustion? You know it. Hot flashes? Yeppers. Crying... well, does a ball in your throat and stinging eyes but no literal tears, count? If so, then all. the. time.

So, I was just reading Pioneer Woman's post today (cuz, yes I still read blogs, just don't comment or write one of my own much), Joy Comes in the Morning, and finally the hot tears began to flow down my face.

Man do I miss my girlfriends from PA these days. I wouldn't even know what to say if we talked and had coffee (decaf for me right now). Or maybe I would, but then truthfully I wouldn't feel like anyone would understand. And what's worse, is I have complete ability to listen, just absolutely no ability to give right now. Nothing, nada, zip...

I am homesick. I can't believe I'm saying it, but its true. I just want stability, securities of a normal life, my old doctors, hikes at Little Buffalo state park, best friends right around the corner, my old church and the comforts of my Pastor's messages, and my friends, with deep conversations, tea, challenges, laughter, and sisterhood love. And frankly, it sucks. Because even if I went home, everything has changed and nothing would be the same. Which it should change and grow, I mean that.

And this is exactly the reason why I don't blog anymore. Especially now that I am pregnant, tired, and sick (yea, again but now with respiratory stuff - I've never been on this many drugs, non preggo, let alone pregnant!) and over emotional. Okay... done.

PS - I'm so not allowing this to be on my facebook!

Posted in: on Monday, July 13, 2009 at at 7:16 PM 3 comments  

Stick a Fork in Me - I'm Done

I am so exhausted right now. This week has flown by and I am behind. Oh well....

It's raining (which I love), I'm sneezy due to allergies, itchy, and full of sn*t. Sorry, but true. And I need a serious nap.

But, I'm off to class a little early, so that I can prepare for my third quiz for the week.

Am I enjoying this journey today? Yes, but let's be a bit real here. I'm tired. I'm done. And really, I want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie and have everyone else take care of the kids, laundry, dishes, dinner, studying and anything else I'm responsible for.

Thank God it is Friday...

Posted in: on Friday, September 26, 2008 at at 11:16 AM 1 comments  

Perservere

(painting done by EJ)

I'm supposed to be lesson planning right now. I have about 8 weeks worth that I need to get done asap. But, really my hands just want to type and my head wants to write. I don't know if you actually log onto my blog or if you read it in bloglines, like I do for everyone else. But, when its time for me to write a post, I generally have my site up just to listen to the sweet piano music that I have on my playlist. I could listen to it over and over again for hours. I enjoy it that much.


This has been a good week for me. I feel lighter then I have in a long time. And I feel like I am actually enjoying God again, which is a relief.


Last night we had Lindell Cooley at our church. He was the worship leader at the Brownsville Revival, over 10 years ago. Now, he pastors Grace Church in Nashville while still doing worship. Last night, he brought such a sweet sense of the spirit of the Lord with him. And when it was time for him to preach, he spoke from his heart sharing that in a time where so many are looking for the miracles, signs and wonders, we need to be delving deeper into the word of God.


He talked about perseverance in the Lord. In a microwave society that we are in, we want to skip the work and diligence of reading the word and go straight to the power. And yet, if we miss out on the word, we won't withstand the wait from God.


It's good for me. I struggle with reading my bible regularly. And yet, if there is anything God has been teaching me about in this season of our lives its perseverance.


We had a bit of a breakthrough recently in our lives. And last night as I was worshipping I was thrilled with our Lord. I was ever so grateful for Him. Quietly in my mind, I was working hard to log what it feels like to have this breakthrough. So that when times get tough again, I will have the strength to persevere and the trust to wait until His perfect timing comes.


PS - Rita Springer attends our church. Last night CJ formerly introduced the two of us. You know what she said, "Now aren't you just pretty!" To me!!! Yea, I'm not sure if she says that to everyone or not. But, I'm going to pretend she doesn't and I'm going to savor the compliment!

Posted in: , on Friday, September 05, 2008 at at 12:53 PM 4 comments  

Highs and Lows

At the beginning of the month, I sat looking at all our bills and our bank account. Neither one was willing to help each other out. My stomach flip flopped and my heart sank. I even said out loud to God, "the numbers look bigger then You, God. I know they aren't, but they feel bigger."


I suppose that is how life is at times. What is going on around us seems much bigger then who our God really is. The inner turmoil of knowing and really thinking that He can overcome any situation that we are in, begins to wrestle with the outward circumstances. Soon, we find ourselves weighed down.

Recently, I've been traveling out of that pit of despair. It started with a bit of confidence. Confidence in Him, in hearing Him, and understanding what He has told me to do. I don't know about you, but when I KNOW that God wants me to do something, I feel stronger to take on the day and walk life out.

I think confidence can help to bring on determined faith. The "I'm not going to stop doing this, because He hasn't told me to yet." And "something has to give, because I'm doing everything He's told me to do."

Confidence, determined faith, and humbleness. Yea, that is the last one. It's the place where you cast away every ounce of pride left in you. Because at this point, who really cares what the rest of the world thinks. And you jump on what God is saying, and joy begins to fill your heart again.

The highs and lows of life....today, I'm thankful. Thankful to pay my bills. Thankful for the gracious friends and family, who helped us out. Thankful to my God, who hears my prayers, provides for my needs, is patient enough to teach me even when I throw fits, and finds me worthy enough to love and pour into others.

Posted in: , , , on Monday, August 11, 2008 at at 3:35 PM 0 comments  

Just Out of My Mouth

"We can't be swayed away from God just because of our circumstances. We must continue to follow Him, despite what we see."

Now...I just have to follow those words in action.

YIKES!

Posted in: , on Tuesday, August 05, 2008 at at 6:49 PM 2 comments  

Peacefully Quiet

Last night, I was standing in church, during worship time and I found myself peacefully quiet. Everyone around me was jumping up and down, people were being touched by the Lord, and much was going on. I, on the other hand, just stood there. For a bit, I fought God, internally with the issues that are weighing on my mind. I even began to push myself into worship time, trying to not be passed by, as He was in the room.

And then this feeling of, "its okay," to be quiet came over me. I continued on standing there quietly, with my lips resting together.

That is how I feel about much of my life right now. I'm in a season of being really quiet.

My mind is churning these days. I've identified that God is completely re doing my foundation in Him right now. Who do I worship... the church? The people I live life with? Or Jesus? What does revival really look like? Where does it start? How set apart am I really from this world? Who is He in me, anymore? Am I compromising anything in my life? What if we really are in the end days? Why can't I give up the control of my own life to Him? And so on...

When I was standing in worship last night, quietly, I realized that this is why I am so quiet in the blog world too. I've been surprised at myself because I haven't missed writing that much.

But being quiet is good and healthy. And letting God rearrange me, change me, and restore me is what is needed more then anything else.

So friends, I'm still on break right now. I haven't forgotten you.. I'm just peacefully quiet.

Posted in: , , on Friday, May 16, 2008 at at 9:33 AM 7 comments  

Push Me Out of the Boat

Last night I went out to Panera with some other women. I was so excited to be out of the house, drinking a cup of coffee, with someone other then my husband, or worse yet by myself!


It was the first time I have done that since we moved down here.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had a cup of joe. And I have gone out with friends from PENNSYLVANIA, when they visit me. But I have not met some local women out of a house or in a church setting, yet.

It's not like I haven't wanted to. But truth be told, I have not been invited.

This has been a bit of a problem for me. I definitely have invited other women to my house to hang out. But rarely do I ever actually get an invitation to theirs. I'm not lying when I say I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have actually been to someone elses house for lunch or a playdate since I moved here. One. hand. And don't get me started on being invited to dinner as a family. 3 times, people. 3 times.

I think because very few people were returning the invite, I began to feel like I just didn't want to invite others out too. So, I didn't.

Last week, one of the women from my Mexico team, invited me over for lunch. I felt as though I was going to bust. I even had CJ take time off of work to watch the kids, so that I could go over child free. We talked for hours.

And then last night, I sat down with some other women, drank a cup of coffee and helped to plan an upcoming womens gathering. It felt good. It felt familiar. It felt natural.


I realized that maybe it is time to get out of the self pity boat. Perhaps I need to try again. Maybe I should actually ask someone to join me for some java, instead of going by myself.

So, I put my big toe in the water again today. I emailed an acquaintance with some dates and asked if she wanted to get out of the house. Who knows where things will go from here. I'm not about to connect dots, get my hopes up, or anything like that. But I'm at least going to attempt getting out of the boat. Cautiously of course....

Yea, maybe Somebody needs to push me out....

Posted in: , , on Tuesday, April 01, 2008 at at 12:10 PM 5 comments  

HELP!!!

It's not even 10 am and this is what I'm considering doing right this minute because....

My children are fighting all. the. time. And I'm about to pull my hair out. Separation is the only thing that I have found works for them and me. But that includes whining and complaining.

They are not lacking in department of quality time, as I have spent many hours this week doing school, reading, watching a video, playing outside, special treats, and so on.

Frankly, I'm beat and would love to hand my kids over to a babysitter or daycare center for the day.

Okay - that's honest for ya.

Any ideas on what to do with my fighting kids? I've noticed it is mainly due to a certain 5 year old who feels the need to boss his brother around on EVERYTHING. Z-man has decided that the best way to handle this is to either yell, cry, or whine. I have tried scripture and praying about it. And I'm certainly aware that this is a long term teachable moment. But for the love of pete, is there any sort of quick solution that will bring me sanity??????

Can you feel the love? Because I think I'm oozing it right this second? Or NOT!

C'mon Jesus, send relief....send relief.
****Update: It's now 11am and I'm trying to relieve myself with chocolate and a cup of tea. It hasn't worked yet....

Posted in: , , , on Thursday, March 20, 2008 at at 8:36 AM 10 comments  

Monday's Musings



TCC is at it again this week, with her Monday's Musings. I highly recommend checking her site out for yourself and consider sharing your thoughts too.

Here is this weeks quote:


"I set myself on fire and the people come to see me burn." ~John
Wesley


God made this quote real to me recently. I woke up early one Sunday morning with a rotten sore throat and feeling as though I had been hit by a mack truck twice. I honestly wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep it all off.But, I had made a commitment to share with the congregation that morning, and up until then had been looking forward to the opportunity. I got out of bed, dragged myself into the shower, did my hair, make up, and clothes. I swallowed some breakfast and gathered my crew.

Arriving in church, I still felt, awful. As worship began, I pulled out my journal and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the above quote. I had written it down days before hand.

I joined in with the worship, allowing God to come to my rescue. I felt the pain and tiredness fall to the wayside. Literally I could feel His glory in our midst. Inside I realized that today was a choice, do I want to burn with Him and share His amazing stories with others or do I just want to get by. His majesty is more thrilling and worth it for me not to. I chose lighting myself on fire, through worship, that morning.

I immersed myself in Him and pushed past the mornings woes. I then shared with our congregation a powerful testimony. The power was from Him. By that time, I was on fire, with joy and excitement in Him.

As I see it John Wesley said, he set himself on fire. Which shows me that he had to make a choice. He probably didn't always feel up to it. I'm sure there were many days that he felt sick and exhausted or would have preferred to go back to bed. Let's be real, I am sure that he too had his doubts, confusions, and his own problems with the Lord.

What I am learning is being on fire is a choice. There are so many times that I struggle with the Lord for my own personal life. I don't always understand Him. However, no matter what I feel, I KNOW that He has given me a life that is full of hope and love. I also know that I want others to have this hope. Perhaps, I need to find a way to ignite myself more often.

Just so you know, because blogs only show one side of a multifaceted, defective person, many times then not I have chosen to NOT be on fire. It has been more recently that I have felt a push and a realization of the choice!

Posted in: , , on Monday, March 17, 2008 at at 1:29 PM 1 comments  

Sharing about Mexico, part 1


How do I even begin to explain the work that God has done in my heart? How can I put into words the things that I experienced, the miracles I have seen, the desires in my heart for more? It seems overwhelming to me.

So, I decided to share with you what I wrote in my journal towards the end of my time there. As time moves on and God settles my brain, I will write and share more. In the meantime, here are some pics and a journal entry!

"I'm nearing the end of the week. As things end, I'm feeling a bit reflective. I'm so passionate in my pursuit of Him. I'm dissatisfied with what little I do have in God. I want more. I want more!"


"This week, my ears were turned up. My inner vision was brighter. Finally I could hear Him better again. Better then ever before."


"I feel more refreshed in Him. Not fully overflowing, but more then before I came here."



"I really enjoyed talking with Valerie again today. We are very much on the same page, in alot of ways. It is good to talk with her about kids, doctors, and normal life!"


"I've loved my quiet time down here. I've felt very purposeful in not being a mom or an extra helper. But to take this time as my time to spend with God and rest."


"When I return home, I want to worship and pray more. I want to read the New Testament from beginning to end again. I want to worship with the kids more often. I want to read more and watch tv less. I don't want to be around lots of people right now. I just want to savor God."

Posted in: , on Tuesday, February 26, 2008 at at 3:17 PM 7 comments  

Another Trimester has begun

Yesterday the girls all returned, plus one visiting cousin. Our table was overflowing with a yummy dinner of potato soup, salad, and crusty bread. The noise level went up about 5 octaves, as everyone tried to catch up with each other. R's boyfriend, whom happens to be a good friend of ours, wrestled with the boys. And some of us exchanged simple belated Christmas gifts. There was much laughter in our home.


I sat back and took it all in. My heart was full of love and joy. A new trimester, a new year, a new season.

Our home is bustling, plans are being made for more visitors to come in this weekend. Meal planning has tripled in just one night as well as dishes and toilet paper. And school started back today.



This morning everyone left with heavy book bags, cups of coffee or hot chocolate and smiles. It's a new year and a new trimester at school. I have every expectation that God is going to do awesome things.



Routine is back. The vacation is over. And I am more refreshed this time, then ever before. I have more hope, more joy, and more laughter inside. I guess I am a bit more excited to be on this roller coaster ride. That's a good place to be.

Posted in: , , , on Tuesday, January 08, 2008 at at 8:20 AM 3 comments  

It's Overwhelming


Imagine... standing in church as 75 missionaries are parading in carrying their countries flag. Imagine as the worship leader begins singing Shake the Nations, a song that says, "ask and I'll give the nations to you." Imagine your heart overflowing knowing that someday, somehow, you will be fulfilling that call in your life .... sharing, loving, teaching the many tribes, tongues, and people about the only True Love out there, Jesus Christ. Imagine knowing that all you are walking through, the hardship, the refinement, the exhaustion, the stress, the beauty, the sacrifice, the sheer thrill of a life of faith, all so that you can really do it, really be equipped to share Him. Imagine... just imagine the moment of all that together ... its overwhelming.


Our Missions Conference began yesterday...

Posted in: on Monday, October 22, 2007 at at 2:01 PM 1 comments  

The Limit


Okay, the roads have speed limits. Parents have limits with their kids. There's only so far you can go with science. The world does have limits. We all do.

Well, I am feeling as though God is so stretching my limit of what I can handle that I am going to break in two. Yes, friends, I keep thinking that I've been stretched enough, that I can't handle one more thing. I even foolishly think every once in awhile, "Okay, this is the max of what we are going to deal with right now, just keep walking, breathing, smiling, and most importantly praying. He will get us through this."

And then the next boom is lowered....

This morning that happened....again. And it just finally brought me to laughter, out of shock of course. Because really, what else can I do? I've cried gallons of tears, I have threatened to quit, and I have prayed and praised.

I guess we aren't going to be kicked off the earth, right?

CJ was offered the job with the ministry in Charlotte, went before the board, was told that he was hired, had his first meeting set for tomorrow, and found out late yesterday that the church was rescinding the offer, due to where we lived. No reflection on him, of course.

I can't even begin to explain the repercussions of this on us right now. Can't even explain it.

And while I am sure we can either quote, find, think, and ponder over every scripture in the bible on how He provides, takes care of us, knows our situation, wants us not to worry, and just rely on Him, it just may be possible, that I think I may have just hit my limit. Oh, wait, I thought that yesterday!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Posted in: on Tuesday, October 02, 2007 at at 7:33 AM 4 comments  

Worship This Morning

I am thankful for our worship leader. This morning he sang a new worship song, one in which I am almost positive he had written. And instead of singing along with him, I just let it become the melodic way of getting my point across to the Lord.

The title:
I Need You

Posted in: , on Sunday, August 26, 2007 at at 4:05 PM 0 comments  

The Decision to Homeschool, part 2


Feeling fairly confident that this was the path that we were to be on, with education, I began to do what any new homeschooler does, educate myself.

I started with reading up on things. First, I familiarized myself with the states regulations on homeschooling. The good news is that I have about 2 years until I need to start reporting to them. This means I should have a better idea of what I am doing by the time that I need to answer to an "official."

Second, I read the book, The First Year of Homeschooling Your Child, by Linda Dobson. This was a good book for me, because it helped me to look outside of the educational box. It also showed me that every homeschooling mama out there has good and bad days, weeks, months, and years. But the kids still learn and can go on to college.

What I didn't expect in all of my research was the big case of, "I'm not so sure I really want to do this," sickness to come on. It started with feeling weary as a mom. Then it turned into, thinking that the majority of the population out there sends their kids to school by this time of life. Moms get a break! And I am signing up, to not have that break. Good grief....

My oldest son is an amazing child. He is smart, really smart. He loves to learn, loves to ask questions, loves to talk, and loves to be moving. He is 5 and he hasn't gotten the reserve of a 30 year old down yet. I don't understand why! LOL. But, he has also been my child that has pushed so many of my buttons at once, that I have called his daddy at work and begged him to come home. He's my child that literally had behavioral therapy at age 2, because he was already pented up with frustration.

Being a mom to him has been good but much harder then I had ever thought it was going to be. And now, I am choosing to homeschool him??? Am I nuts?

As if questioning the direction of God, wasn't bad enough. Then I started getting questions from those friends and family who weren't so sure of our decisions. And through the course of their questions, I started to doubt our decision even more.

I mean, we are talking about kindergarten here, right? Shouldn't I be leaving that sort of education to those who were trained for this? Am I really qualified to teach my son?

This sent me into a talespin when looking at curriculums. Have you seen the amount of curriculums out there? I am not joking it is overwhelming. And now, I felt I needed to prove to family and friends, that I CAN teach my child and he will get the best education out there, no matter what it costs! So, perhaps I should consider the most expensive boring curriculum out there....

I am just being honest here. It's ugly, I know.

So, here I am a heap on the floor, struggling with myself, my expectations, my time, proving myself to others, me, me, me.

Enter God...

I've never heard the audible voice of God. At least not yet. But I did hear Him recently through a gentle rebuke from a close friend. Her words to me, were "Fire, all I hear is , I, I, I. What about EJ and what's right for him? What about him?"

Well that pulled me out of it, quickly. The pang of conviction was strong in my heart. I realized where I was doubting God and overlooking my son. And almost as soon as I began to repent, I felt as though the knot of anxiety in my body, began to wither away slowly.

Curriculums became much easier to decide on, because I prayed and because I began to look at them through what was right for my EJ, not everyone else, including me. And confidence began to rise up in me. I am choosing what God wants me to do and what I believe is right for my child. This is good.

God, being God, has slowly been renewing the joy of motherhood (and as a wife too!). This homeschooling thing, is the right path. I know it!

Up next... goals for the year and what I am excited about this school year!

Posted in: , on Wednesday, August 08, 2007 at at 9:17 PM 2 comments  

Camp Fire Questions ..part 2

The major camp fire question that burned on my heart was, "When you die, what do you hope you will be remembered for the most?" Some of you responded with your desires at this post. Here is mine.

I pray with all my heart that when I die, that people will remember me for how I loved others. Since I can remember I have always desired to love people in some way. I remember a time in highschool when a student died in an awful accident. Many of the students around me were in pain. Sitting around the lunch table, I commented that I wished I could just take everyone of the hurting students and hug them.

I was horribly ridiculed for my statement. And frankly it took me quite a while to get over my fellow classmates jokes. But always inside I kept wanting to show people that it would be okay. I wanted to give them something to hold onto. I just didn't know how to do it the right way.

When Christ came into my life, there was finally an answer to my heart. For all the years that I had wanted to help, give, take care, and love others but struggled at doing so, I finally came across the "KEY." His love through me was how I would be able to really love others.

Now my heart burns with the desire to show all people the way to being loved. I pray that I will always be an open vessel for His love to come forth. The best part about loving others, is that you constantly learn how to do it. There's always a new way.

That is what I want to be remembered for.

Posted in: , on Monday, August 06, 2007 at at 2:10 PM 4 comments  

Running

Tonight we went to service. As I was drying my hair in the bathroom, before we left, I thought to myself, "I'm either going to come home really angry or I will be crying at church and feel a bit of a release."


Good news - I am not angry!

God is so good. Even though I am not out of the valley I do have hope. And that is so important in this journey of mine.

Tonight God reminded me of several things. First, He reminded me of when I was in track and field. Okay - now don't laugh, for those of you who actually know me in real life. I was a long distance runner and not good at it, but I did it. And honestly in my mind that was all I was trying to accomplish, actually getting across the finish line without giving up.

In track I knew that I wasn't the gold runner. I knew that I was usually always the last one or two coming in. I never placed. But track taught me endurance. Actually, it taught me that I had endurance in many areas of my life.

Fast forward (no pun intended, okay maybe a little) to now. God reminded me tonight that I have endurance with Him. He showed me that I was the type who will never fully give up. I may want to. I may be so tired and so fed up with my circumstances that I would seriously feel like throwing in the towel. But, when push came to shove, I would stay in the race.

Then as if, that wasn't enough, we received prayer during worship tonight. And I did cry. Hard. But, oh, what a relief. It was bottled up and I was tired. We never told anyone who was praying over us what the circumstances were and why we were so desperate. Which is why it was even more exciting when one of the people leaned over and shared the vision God gave them of me.

I was sitting in a brand new red convertible (stay focused it isn't about the car *smile) and I had a huge smile on my face. I was completely surprised and thrilled because the Lord had provided for our needs.

That was the main gist of it all. My crying stopped when the encouraging word came. My God delivered me hope.

So, I am back to running again. I've picked up my pace and I am going to finish the race. I'm gonna do it.

Posted in: , on Thursday, August 02, 2007 at at 9:42 PM 5 comments  

Easy, Yeah Right


I seriously want to throw in the towel. It sounds horrible, I know. Even though I don't really want to, part of me just wants CJ to quit school, get a cushy job again and have a steady income with benefits flowing in the door. I miss not having to pay for babysitting, friends my own age and stage, and doing life together. Sometimes, I wish that following the Lord could be easier.

Posted in: , on Wednesday, August 01, 2007 at at 2:40 PM 6 comments  

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