Home Sick

Did y'all know that I am pregnant? I think most of you do. Yep, Wednesday marks 13 weeks for me. Finally I have made it to the second trimester, a feat in which needs to be marked as victorious for me, as it has been the hardest first trimester of a pregnancy yet.

I've been incognito for so long. I haven't blogged, emailed or called friends, and have been behind on most family things. No, I am not depressed, praise God! I just can't explain it... on a blog, on the phone, in an email, or even completely in person.

My lovely hormones.... they are not helping my life one bit these days. Irritability? Yep. Exhaustion? You know it. Hot flashes? Yeppers. Crying... well, does a ball in your throat and stinging eyes but no literal tears, count? If so, then all. the. time.

So, I was just reading Pioneer Woman's post today (cuz, yes I still read blogs, just don't comment or write one of my own much), Joy Comes in the Morning, and finally the hot tears began to flow down my face.

Man do I miss my girlfriends from PA these days. I wouldn't even know what to say if we talked and had coffee (decaf for me right now). Or maybe I would, but then truthfully I wouldn't feel like anyone would understand. And what's worse, is I have complete ability to listen, just absolutely no ability to give right now. Nothing, nada, zip...

I am homesick. I can't believe I'm saying it, but its true. I just want stability, securities of a normal life, my old doctors, hikes at Little Buffalo state park, best friends right around the corner, my old church and the comforts of my Pastor's messages, and my friends, with deep conversations, tea, challenges, laughter, and sisterhood love. And frankly, it sucks. Because even if I went home, everything has changed and nothing would be the same. Which it should change and grow, I mean that.

And this is exactly the reason why I don't blog anymore. Especially now that I am pregnant, tired, and sick (yea, again but now with respiratory stuff - I've never been on this many drugs, non preggo, let alone pregnant!) and over emotional. Okay... done.

PS - I'm so not allowing this to be on my facebook!

3 comments:

  1. All that I can muster up is, I feel you sister.

    My heart stung when I read this:

    "I've been incognito for so long. I haven't blogged, emailed or called friends, and have been behind on most family things. No, I am not depressed, praise God! I just can't explain it... on a blog, on the phone, in an email, or even completely in person."

    If you could look into my heart, that's what would be written on it.

    This might make you smile or cry...but every time we've gotten together with Emily and Dave, they beam with joy when they talk about you.

     
  2. I know intimately what you are feeling. And you've described it so well. I still (5 years later) deal with waves of homesickness so strong it about knocks me on my butt. The good news is, I'm not down as long as I used to be. Each wave seems a little less intense. The pain a little less piercing. I seem to feel it worse in the summer, when the go-betweens from the Geratys house and ours were non stop. When the phone rang and a picnic materialized in an instant. When I could hear Sparkle and LadyBug giggling in the playroom. I know. I know.

    But it is a bitter sweet pain - the joy of knowing a friendship that deep and safe and intimate, mixed with the pain of the fact that it's not everyday anymore. I feel ya. I know.

    I'll pray for you this week. And hang in there - you are not alone.

    XOXOXOXO

     
  3. I know someone that is on their way (well in about 16 hours) ready to give you a big hug. One thing that really makes me smile is she is a really good listener too. :) Maybe you two can listen to crickets or frogs or whatever is making noise down there. The kids?!? The key is, whatever you do, it will be TOGETHER.

    Understanding what you said about the before and after. Change is good and healthy but it isn't easy and I definitely find myself (at times) yearning for the comforts and smiles of years past...and I haven't even moved - physically anyway. That passes after momentary reflection and then I have to buck up and face today and prepare for tomorrow. Not easy and I don't even have the extra hormones! Ha!

    Praying for you. Have a wonderful, refreshing, relaxing and rejuvinating weekend.