Showing posts with label going on in my heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label going on in my heart. Show all posts

Waving the White Flag

I surrender.

I don't know all the answers. I can't get it all done in time. I'm only one person whose heart is trying as hard as possible. I can't be it all, have it all, do it all.

I surrender....

joyfully and with no expectations for anything else.

I surrender ...

and with my surrender, I will simply focus on loving my God, loving my husband, and loving my children the best that I can.

I surrender...

I will ask for help. I will say no more often. I will allow others to see that I don't have it all together. I will be human.

I surrender .... I surrender it all.

Posted in: , , on Sunday, April 25, 2010 at at 3:58 PM 3 comments  

Psalm 23


One of my biggest faults and issues in life, is how I handle stress. I'm a go-getter type of person. I like to be efficient, do everything with all my heart, work hard and love harder.

Yesterday as I found myself being completely impatient with the kids and feeling very overwhelmed, I attempted to pull myself away from life circumstances and spend a moment or two really evaluating what was going on.



My oh my, have we lived a life of transition over the last several years. Since Zach was born, we have only gone 6 months without having someone live with us. We've moved, gone to bible school, learned how to live without securities like a job or health insurance or savings. We've traveled out of the country and in it. Then we spent the last year fighting through a hard pregnancy, to get to the next transition in our life... our wonderful Simon.


Now, we are packing up the house again and moving back to PA. Saying good bye to dear friends, to students that have lived impactful moments of their lives with us, to girls whom came to us single and left us married, to a church that has grown by leaps and bounds, and to a lifestyle that has challenged us daily.


Transition...



Unfortunately for me, the adventure of our lives doesn't always measure up to what I feel like I can handle. Stress creeps up in the smallest of ways.

I realized yesterday that its a snowball effect. Something small happens, a normal life circumstance...
One of the boys gets sick, or heck all three of them do. Normal people would just deal with it, but I'm so keyed up that it seems bigger then it really is. Then bills come in, the house is a mess, boxes are adding up, and worries about jobs and the house we are moving into next are lingering in the back of my mind.

What I wouldn't give, to be able to just lay that all down and not worry about it. To walk in true peace and trust, that my God will take care of ALL my needs and that the trials that I endure will make me stronger.
This morning, I woke up determined to walk in peace today. I purposed myself to love and enjoy my children, to appreciate and adore my husband, and to trust that just for today my God would take care of my needs.


Today - He sat me in a green pasture and even led me to quiet waters. He gently worked on restoring my soul. He guided me on a path of righteousness, especially with my boys. Goodness and love followed me today, as I dwelled on the house of the Lord.

It was good.

Posted in: , on Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at at 7:21 PM 2 comments  

Highs and Lows

At the beginning of the month, I sat looking at all our bills and our bank account. Neither one was willing to help each other out. My stomach flip flopped and my heart sank. I even said out loud to God, "the numbers look bigger then You, God. I know they aren't, but they feel bigger."


I suppose that is how life is at times. What is going on around us seems much bigger then who our God really is. The inner turmoil of knowing and really thinking that He can overcome any situation that we are in, begins to wrestle with the outward circumstances. Soon, we find ourselves weighed down.

Recently, I've been traveling out of that pit of despair. It started with a bit of confidence. Confidence in Him, in hearing Him, and understanding what He has told me to do. I don't know about you, but when I KNOW that God wants me to do something, I feel stronger to take on the day and walk life out.

I think confidence can help to bring on determined faith. The "I'm not going to stop doing this, because He hasn't told me to yet." And "something has to give, because I'm doing everything He's told me to do."

Confidence, determined faith, and humbleness. Yea, that is the last one. It's the place where you cast away every ounce of pride left in you. Because at this point, who really cares what the rest of the world thinks. And you jump on what God is saying, and joy begins to fill your heart again.

The highs and lows of life....today, I'm thankful. Thankful to pay my bills. Thankful for the gracious friends and family, who helped us out. Thankful to my God, who hears my prayers, provides for my needs, is patient enough to teach me even when I throw fits, and finds me worthy enough to love and pour into others.

Posted in: , , , on Monday, August 11, 2008 at at 3:35 PM 0 comments  

Push Me Out of the Boat

Last night I went out to Panera with some other women. I was so excited to be out of the house, drinking a cup of coffee, with someone other then my husband, or worse yet by myself!


It was the first time I have done that since we moved down here.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have had a cup of joe. And I have gone out with friends from PENNSYLVANIA, when they visit me. But I have not met some local women out of a house or in a church setting, yet.

It's not like I haven't wanted to. But truth be told, I have not been invited.

This has been a bit of a problem for me. I definitely have invited other women to my house to hang out. But rarely do I ever actually get an invitation to theirs. I'm not lying when I say I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have actually been to someone elses house for lunch or a playdate since I moved here. One. hand. And don't get me started on being invited to dinner as a family. 3 times, people. 3 times.

I think because very few people were returning the invite, I began to feel like I just didn't want to invite others out too. So, I didn't.

Last week, one of the women from my Mexico team, invited me over for lunch. I felt as though I was going to bust. I even had CJ take time off of work to watch the kids, so that I could go over child free. We talked for hours.

And then last night, I sat down with some other women, drank a cup of coffee and helped to plan an upcoming womens gathering. It felt good. It felt familiar. It felt natural.


I realized that maybe it is time to get out of the self pity boat. Perhaps I need to try again. Maybe I should actually ask someone to join me for some java, instead of going by myself.

So, I put my big toe in the water again today. I emailed an acquaintance with some dates and asked if she wanted to get out of the house. Who knows where things will go from here. I'm not about to connect dots, get my hopes up, or anything like that. But I'm at least going to attempt getting out of the boat. Cautiously of course....

Yea, maybe Somebody needs to push me out....

Posted in: , , on Tuesday, April 01, 2008 at at 12:10 PM 5 comments  

Children


Here are two things I have read or heard over the last couple of days, that are making me think, think, think....

"It seems as if when we (as a whole) shifted from the agricultural age to the industrial age, children went from a blessing to a burden. Children are supposed to be a blessing." Kris Vallaton

"I've learned that children are a precious gift from God. They are not an interruption of my life, but part of the fulfillment of my destiny." Above Rubies

In a moment of transparency, I want to confess that these statements along with some other issues that I am chewing on are making me think mostly about my inadequacies. I have tried 4 different approaches on how to share that in writing, but just can't seem to get it out. Therefore, I won't until its ready.

The quotes though are just so good, that I wanted to share them anyways. So, there you go!

Posted in: , on Tuesday, March 18, 2008 at at 2:49 PM 7 comments  

Something I'm Chewing On, That's All


**Please be aware this post represents something going on in my mind. I am not judging you, your family, or how you do things. Smile! Now read on!!! ***

I walked in to the Dollar Store today, needing a few quick items and was bombarded with all the Easter paraphernalia possible. It was the same thing at every stop we made while doing errands. There were chocolate bunnies, eggs, jelly beans, baskets, books, and so on.

My mind started working through the usual. "Another holiday, that doesn't truly represent Christ. What are we going to do? How is our family going to celebrate or not celebrate this? Here come the questions (which are normal) from the boys, get ready."

Each "big" American holiday brings this barrage of issues into my head. Wasn't it just Christmas last week? And Valentines was yesterday, right?


I grew up celebrating all the holidays in a very non christian way. I totally believed in Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and so on. As I remember it, it was fun! I loved sitting on Santas lap, with great dreams. And I totally enjoyed collecting jelly beans (a family tradition), searching for our Easter basket, and devouring the chocolate bunny with the sugary eyes.

My predicament lies within my beliefs in Christ. And since neither one of us grew up in the sort of environment that we are raising our children in, we are stuck in finding our own way through the holiday mazes. Things especially changed when we moved away from our families. Its not so easy to travel eight hours one way to sit down for a traditional extended family dinner.

The good thing is, its forcing me to pray and decide just what do we want to do about holidays. What sort of traditions do we want to start? I stare inwardly at myself, challenging my heart, am I being to lenient or too hard? Are we being fanatical or truly honoring the Lord?

It's easy on the big decisions. I don't want to raise my children in believing in a Santa Claus or Easter bunny. I want them to completely honor Jesus. I am solid on that. But its the rest of the details that tend to become a bit more blurry for me. Should I make sweet little baskets up for the kids, because its a fun childhood thing to do? What's the harm in an Easter egg hunt?


While the rest of the world and church tries to justify themselves by coming up with the idea that eggs are representing life and Jesus represents life, etc. Inside, I'm thinking, "c'mon, let's stop stretching the truth and making it work for ourselves. Let's be real." And yet, I've totally taken my child to an egg hunt before. And I love to decorate eggs.

I guess where I am going with this, is I wish I knew just what our holiday traditions included. I wish I was solid in what I knew was right for our family. My oldest will be six in a couple of months. I am ready to have the idea of who we are, what we represent, how we do holidays, for our family. And I don't want to compromise. I'm ready to become more established in our beliefs and what they look like during a holiday.

Feel free to share your thoughts!

Posted in: , , , on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at at 2:48 PM 7 comments  

A New Year


For weeks, I have been pondering this past year, 2007. I've been reflecting on it, considering what God has done in me, through me, and around me. Much has gone on in my family, our children, the people we encounter daily, etc. And in a few weeks, I will turn another year. Time on one hand is flying by and yet, in alot of cases, seems wayyyy too slow.

It's the new year, 2008, and I am about to be 31. That spells R-E-F-L-E-C-T-I-O-N time, to me!!!

So here's three things that I've learned about myself this year.

1. Loneliness brings out good things too.

Yes, the phone is right next to me. And our door is revolving with people in and out. Yet, somewhere deep in my heart I have felt rather lonely this year. Of course, since I tend to wrestle with God, I found myself fighting this loneliness, feeling burdened and even more tired. What I was unable to see until recently, was during that time, two things emerged ~creativity and confidence.

I've spent more time this year, writing, sewing, painting, cooking, now beading, and in general creating something fresh. Each time, I finished a project, I found the load that I was carrying seemed lighter.

If you feel lonely, its easy to try and figure out what might be wrong with you. After I eliminated the ideas of smelling bad, poor conversationalist, or somehow scaring people off, I came to the realization that this is just where God had me.

And then, I began to find out that I like myself. I like who God has created me to be. I like my own funky personality. I like my hair and my clothing style. I like my tastes in decorating and music. I like who I am as a mom. Most of all, I like that I am constantly growing and changing and that I am not perfect.

If I wasn't lonely this year, I would not have found more of who I am. A lack of convenient deep friendships has made me dig deeper into myself. And I'm not so bad after all...

Tune in tomorrow for more of what I learned this year.

In the meantime, I'd love to hear how you've grown this year! Share with me.

Posted in: , on Friday, January 04, 2008 at at 10:00 AM 5 comments  

Putting Martha to Rest for the Day

We are hosting 7 wonderful missionaries from Crewe, England. When they talk, I just want to sit down, close my eyes and not even pay that much attention to what exactly they are saying, just how they are saying it. And oh, the tea, that is being drunk in my home. I love it. Somehow inside, I find it warm and comfy to have a bunch of people "drinking a spot of tea," in my own home.

Are you a Martha or a Mary or maybe both? I am definitely both. I am learning when to put things down and just sit at the feet of the One, whom I adore. And yet, innately, I am a doer. I love, love, love to host people. I love to make them feel warm and cozy. I love to fill their bellies with yummy foods. I love it when people sit on my couch and feel at home.

I drive my family nuts sometimes, the days before guests come to stay. This time around, I begged CJ to take a day off of classes and help me clean and prepare for our guests. Bless his heart, he did it. I just want people to feel rested and relaxed and comfortable when they enter our home.


The day our guests arrived, I had to leave that evening to finish preparing for the festival. The next morning, their sweet son, found himself sick, getting rid of the contents in his stomach. However, the day was full of festival goodies, as I ran around making sure all was well. Of course, I all but collapsed when I came home. Last night included a 2 am wake up call with EJ barking and having a bit of hard time breathing. This morning we woke up to an alarm going off, the sump pump seems to have broken and our guests can't use their bathroom. It wasn't even 9 am, before I had EJ diagnosed by the doctor that he had croup. 11 am, I was standing in Wal Mart getting steroids so that he would be able to breathe better.....

I was almost in tears today. I looked at CJ and he saw my exhaustion. Above everything else, I just wanted the family staying with us, to feel welcomed, relaxed, pampered and it just hasn't happened yet.

It was then that CJ gently reminded me of who I needed to be consulting. He told me to take my bible and read as I waited patiently for medicine. And so I did. I sat at the feet of the One who loves me (at Wal Mart, of all places). And I read His word, wrapping myself in the blanket and warmth of His love letters. .

And now quietness surrounds me, as my children rest, and the rest of the members of this house (full time or part time) are out and about. God knows my heart. He knows my desires. I've done the best that I can, the rest is up to Him.


In the meantime, I've put Martha to rest for the day.

Posted in: , on Monday, October 22, 2007 at at 2:41 PM 1 comments  

Reigning Outside


A storm has blown in. It's finally raining. It hasn't really rained in months. Our state is in dire striaghts right now, with our water levels over a foot below the line. The drought has literally killed my grass and has been working on my front yard trees.

Yesterday I received an email from a friend whom I haven't talked to in quite a while. He's a bit on the wierd side at times. God has shown me what nuggets to take and which ones to just not even pick up, when we hear from him. That may sound crass, but I think that is what we are to do with each other all the time. We only hear in part, right?

Anyways, CJ and I have been walking through a drought lately in our own lives. God has been showing me that its a testing of our hearts. Just how far are we willing to lay down our lives for Him. There have been many days, that I think, "this is it, I can't give anymore of myself. I just can't."

We've been dry alright. Really, really dry.

And yet, we haven't given up.

At the end of his email, my friend wrote the following, ps. "help is on the way!" I think I read that last line over and over again, wondering just what did he mean by that. Until, I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit, showing me that God was giving me more hope. Showing me that He hadn't forgotten us.

I've been praying for rain. Lots of rain. And when I pray, I pray for it in the natural and in my own life. That the Lord would reign over me, that His ways would pour into me, that His beauty would overflow me, and that His provision would rain down from Heaven!

It's raining, pouring buckets outside. And I just can't help but be excited!

Posted in: , on Friday, October 19, 2007 at at 7:00 AM 4 comments  

Worship This Morning

I am thankful for our worship leader. This morning he sang a new worship song, one in which I am almost positive he had written. And instead of singing along with him, I just let it become the melodic way of getting my point across to the Lord.

The title:
I Need You

Posted in: , on Sunday, August 26, 2007 at at 4:05 PM 0 comments  

Reminder to Myself


He is the Great Provider. He has taken care of ALL of our needs this year, this month, this day. I must declare that He is good. I can not and will not fear the unknown of tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. He has already proven Himself faithful, giving, merciful, and loving. He is my Great Provider. He is.

Matthew 6:34 - The Message

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Posted in: , , on Monday, August 20, 2007 at at 2:05 PM 4 comments  

Newsong - Rescue

I've woken up to this song in my head several times this week. If I had an Ipod, I would download this one!

Posted in: on Thursday, August 02, 2007 at at 7:12 AM 2 comments  

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