Showing posts with label Here's the Truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Here's the Truth. Show all posts

Psalm 23


One of my biggest faults and issues in life, is how I handle stress. I'm a go-getter type of person. I like to be efficient, do everything with all my heart, work hard and love harder.

Yesterday as I found myself being completely impatient with the kids and feeling very overwhelmed, I attempted to pull myself away from life circumstances and spend a moment or two really evaluating what was going on.



My oh my, have we lived a life of transition over the last several years. Since Zach was born, we have only gone 6 months without having someone live with us. We've moved, gone to bible school, learned how to live without securities like a job or health insurance or savings. We've traveled out of the country and in it. Then we spent the last year fighting through a hard pregnancy, to get to the next transition in our life... our wonderful Simon.


Now, we are packing up the house again and moving back to PA. Saying good bye to dear friends, to students that have lived impactful moments of their lives with us, to girls whom came to us single and left us married, to a church that has grown by leaps and bounds, and to a lifestyle that has challenged us daily.


Transition...



Unfortunately for me, the adventure of our lives doesn't always measure up to what I feel like I can handle. Stress creeps up in the smallest of ways.

I realized yesterday that its a snowball effect. Something small happens, a normal life circumstance...
One of the boys gets sick, or heck all three of them do. Normal people would just deal with it, but I'm so keyed up that it seems bigger then it really is. Then bills come in, the house is a mess, boxes are adding up, and worries about jobs and the house we are moving into next are lingering in the back of my mind.

What I wouldn't give, to be able to just lay that all down and not worry about it. To walk in true peace and trust, that my God will take care of ALL my needs and that the trials that I endure will make me stronger.
This morning, I woke up determined to walk in peace today. I purposed myself to love and enjoy my children, to appreciate and adore my husband, and to trust that just for today my God would take care of my needs.


Today - He sat me in a green pasture and even led me to quiet waters. He gently worked on restoring my soul. He guided me on a path of righteousness, especially with my boys. Goodness and love followed me today, as I dwelled on the house of the Lord.

It was good.

Posted in: , on Tuesday, April 20, 2010 at at 7:21 PM 2 comments  

If Only....


I was talking with my husband today. "I need to learn how to stop stressing," I told him. He chuckled, "you are learning babe."

My reply, "yes, but I wish I had it down now, not later."

Which sent him into even more laughter. Because of course, only I get stressed over stressing!

My house is torn to pieces as we are packing to move. Yes, if I haven't told you already (it's really not personal) we are moving back to PA .... in one month. So, I have boxes everywhere and dirty floors and piles of what I plan to sell or give away.

Then all three of my kids have been battling viruses or infections. I'm more then personally acquainted with my doctor these days and tired of visiting my local Walgreens.

I'm trying to finish up homeschooling before we move. That is on top of being a bit behind, because I had a baby this year. The kids are dutifully doing their work and putting up with my whip master attitude on it all.

The house we are moving to is going to require a ton of work. So in amongst packing this house up, I am throwing around paint ideas and construction thoughts, as well as how to deep clean the in ground pool that comes with the house.

I started massage therapy for my fibro pain, hoping to relieve some of the tension in my body. Instead, my body is reacting to the years of tense muscles and causing my days to be rather ouchy.

I need peace and quiet. I'm in serious need of some alone time. I'm dying for a moment where someone doesn't need me or isn't spilling something or crying or has a question or something. My mothering skills are beyond lacking for the level of stress I feel.

If only, I could just have this whole stress thing figured out by now.... if only!

Posted in: on Monday, April 19, 2010 at at 1:06 PM 1 comments  

Shhh...


Don't tell anyone, but I skipped my class today. I had too. I really did. I'm tired and behind on everything that seems to matter to me, most importantly time with my children and some quiet moments.

So we took a picnic to the park this afternoon, placed a blanket on the ground, ate some pb&j's and inhaled the sweet smell of the beginnings of fall. We took a short walk in the woods, crunching some of the leaves under our feet. And then while the kids played, I began a the book, Little Men, by Lousia May Alcott (an all time favorite author of mine!).

The kids are taking a bit of quiet time right now and I am hoping to putz around the house as well as do some much needed cooking and baking. After dinner tonight and before the sun sets, I want to go explore an old cemetery, another enjoyable past time of mine. Lastly, I will refuse to break out my books or lesson plans this evening and instead choose to either continue on with my book or watch another episode of Dr. Quinn (still addicted!).

Sometimes its good to take breaks!

Enjoy your Wednesday!

Posted in: , , on Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

Highs and Lows

At the beginning of the month, I sat looking at all our bills and our bank account. Neither one was willing to help each other out. My stomach flip flopped and my heart sank. I even said out loud to God, "the numbers look bigger then You, God. I know they aren't, but they feel bigger."


I suppose that is how life is at times. What is going on around us seems much bigger then who our God really is. The inner turmoil of knowing and really thinking that He can overcome any situation that we are in, begins to wrestle with the outward circumstances. Soon, we find ourselves weighed down.

Recently, I've been traveling out of that pit of despair. It started with a bit of confidence. Confidence in Him, in hearing Him, and understanding what He has told me to do. I don't know about you, but when I KNOW that God wants me to do something, I feel stronger to take on the day and walk life out.

I think confidence can help to bring on determined faith. The "I'm not going to stop doing this, because He hasn't told me to yet." And "something has to give, because I'm doing everything He's told me to do."

Confidence, determined faith, and humbleness. Yea, that is the last one. It's the place where you cast away every ounce of pride left in you. Because at this point, who really cares what the rest of the world thinks. And you jump on what God is saying, and joy begins to fill your heart again.

The highs and lows of life....today, I'm thankful. Thankful to pay my bills. Thankful for the gracious friends and family, who helped us out. Thankful to my God, who hears my prayers, provides for my needs, is patient enough to teach me even when I throw fits, and finds me worthy enough to love and pour into others.

Posted in: , , , on Monday, August 11, 2008 at at 3:35 PM 0 comments  

HELP!!!

It's not even 10 am and this is what I'm considering doing right this minute because....

My children are fighting all. the. time. And I'm about to pull my hair out. Separation is the only thing that I have found works for them and me. But that includes whining and complaining.

They are not lacking in department of quality time, as I have spent many hours this week doing school, reading, watching a video, playing outside, special treats, and so on.

Frankly, I'm beat and would love to hand my kids over to a babysitter or daycare center for the day.

Okay - that's honest for ya.

Any ideas on what to do with my fighting kids? I've noticed it is mainly due to a certain 5 year old who feels the need to boss his brother around on EVERYTHING. Z-man has decided that the best way to handle this is to either yell, cry, or whine. I have tried scripture and praying about it. And I'm certainly aware that this is a long term teachable moment. But for the love of pete, is there any sort of quick solution that will bring me sanity??????

Can you feel the love? Because I think I'm oozing it right this second? Or NOT!

C'mon Jesus, send relief....send relief.
****Update: It's now 11am and I'm trying to relieve myself with chocolate and a cup of tea. It hasn't worked yet....

Posted in: , , , on Thursday, March 20, 2008 at at 8:36 AM 10 comments  

I Challenge YOU...

To go and listen to this. Then come back and tell me how this applies to your life. I'm 100% serious. Don't neglect this. Go and listen to A Burning Heart. And then talk to me.... talk to me.

Posted in: , , on Thursday, March 13, 2008 at at 10:08 AM 4 comments  

It's Okay, It's Just One of Those Days

It's a rainy day here. I'm sitting with a warm cup of coffee cocoa and Rita Springer on in the background. I'm not sure if its the weather or the throbbing tension headache or the achiness of fibromylgia in my body, but I'm feeling quite melancholy today.

It's days like today, that I would give just about anything for God to do that teleportation thing. I'm talking the "beam me up, Scotty" idea. Because if I could, I would have at least one of my five dearest friends in the world transported, without travel exhaustion or weariness, from Pennsylvania down here to my sweet home in North Carolina. I would offer them a warm cup of tea, our kids would play together beautifully, and we would putz around my home talking about normal life, digging deep, encouraging each other, and doing what best friends do, loving each other where we are at.

As much as I adore my phone calls, and I really do, it just can't replace having one of my closest friends sitting before me.

I've written about it before, the feeling of loneliness, the depths of friendships that I had and now treasure even more then ever. And when I'm feeling like I am today, I sometimes, to the point of tears, recollect the easiness of the friendships I had in the past. I allow my mind to think about the days, that I could call friends and within an hour be in their homes for the morning or afternoon, being real.

Truthfully, my loneliness has subsided in great measures over time. Now, I just find myself deeply thankful for what I had in the past. And I realize, should God ever choose to give me that kind of friendship again, that I will value it even more. I will cherish it.

Posted in: , on Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at at 2:34 PM 3 comments  

Cue in God...


Last week my landlord visited our home. He had a project that he was working on, so he brought one of his trusty friends along to help. His trusty friend brought his wife. And so, there I was with three people standing in my livingroom, working on new french doors.

I love my landlord. He talks and talks and we have the best conversations. He doesn't know it, but he has been used mightly by the Lord, in blessing us with this house. So, I'm usually in a great mood when he stops over. This day was no exception.

I began talking with his friends, Ed and Linda, getting to know them. I found out that they lived here all their lives, knew our landlord for 37 years, and had children around the same age as me. They found out that we had a heart for missions, that my husband was in bible school, and so on.

Then, in the middle of Ed working on the doors, he stood up and said something about his back and how much pain he had.

Cue in God....

The previous evening I had been at a "Mexico prayer meeting." One of the women on my team was sharing with us, how her back had just been healed of scoliosis. She stood before us and bent down, touching her toes, with NO pain!

I remembered that, as I stood in front of Ed. Casually, I told him about her and asked if I could pray for him. He said sure and then for the remainder of the time, he and his wife told me about their church and other churches around.

The opportunity for praying for him was fading quickly and I didn't want to force God's hand. So I enjoyed their company and allowed things to go as they were.

They stepped out the door, waving good bye, my chance to pray with them going out too. I said one more quick thing, "I'll be praying for your back."

And that is when God opened the door up. His wife looked right at him and said, "you get over there and get your back prayed for, now!!"

And so, I stood on the street, in front of my landlord, Ed, and his wife Linda, and I proclaimed healing over his back. I even said, "God there's no need for shouting or hoopla, I just calmly ask you to heal this mans back." And off Ed and Linda went.

Good news ... Ed just returned to my home, to tell me his back is feeling great! He is pain free!

I'm joining with angels, doing a happy dance for my God, the Great Healer!

Posted in: , , , on Tuesday, February 05, 2008 at at 2:43 PM 8 comments  

It's All About




You Jesus.

Lately, I've been pondering my blog name, On Fire For Jesus. I've been questioning the depth of my love for my Savior. I've been wondering, am I lukewarm? Am I really "on fire" as I profess to be in writing?

It seems more and more, I'm writing about daily life, home, kids, and such. Less and less I am writing about Him.

I think that writing is an overflow of my heart. Thankfully, my heart is overflowed with my children, my husband and my friends. That's good.

But I want more.

Even when I sit down to write about what God is doing, like sending me to Mexico, or beginning a new childrens ministry, or the awesome words that God has spoken into me recently, I feel like I can't get the depth of it on to "paper."

I've seriously considered changing the name of my blog, because I feel as though somehow I am not representing authentic "fire" for Jesus, in my writings. But, I can't. I mean what would I call this online journal, that would truly represent me?

So, I am at a stand still with this blog. I am ready to grow in a new way with writing. I want to get across more of Jesus and less of me. I am not so sure how to do that yet. But, the Lord knows my heart.

All I know, is I want this to be all about You, Jesus.

Posted in: , , on Friday, February 01, 2008 at at 10:26 AM 6 comments  

Here's the Truth: I'm Stuck, Better Here then Anywhere Else



I'm finishing out my little mini series, on Here's the Truth today. I've been so encouraged with your comments. God has strengthened me through writing these posts, then working through them in my head again, reading your comments, and even through worship, last night at church.

But I've realized just how stuck I really am. In my mind, there is no other choice then to follow Him.

No, He hasn't answered many of my prayers yet. He hasn't even come through on His promises yet. He just hasn't done things the way that I wanted or truthfully expected.

But the basics are taken care of. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and health for my family. Most importantly I know that even if the road to Heaven includes pain and hurt and misunderstanding in Him, I will keep going. I won't turn back. I will learn. I will continue on.


I know that He is not disappointed in me for not understanding Him. I know that He's patient with me. I believe it.

I may be stuck but at least I am on the right path.

Posted in: on Thursday, November 08, 2007 at at 4:15 PM 4 comments  

Here's the Truth: The Choice



Still with me? I think you are. Lori and TCC, you were right on with your comments. Through writing these posts, going back and forth with God, and reading your comments, I am finding strength in Him!


Here is more of what I am walking through...

It's true, I had no idea what we signed up for, when it came to taking this path. I certainly could never have understood where my security lied until I lost it. And losing security is in the end good, as it makes you rely on only what you do have, Him.

And I did have expectations of God. I still do. I haven't fully lost them yet.

But as I struggle so deeply with what we have given up, what we don't have, where I am at with God, not knowing what lies ahead, I have come to a fork in the road. I have come to a place in my mind, of decision.

It's so simple and yet, so hard to do.

Do I want to continue on, believing that somehow He is going to come through that He is going to take care of our needs? Or, do I want to quit and slip into the world, with a luke warm relationship?

I'm stuck. I really am. Because as far as I see it, there is no choice. No choice what so ever.

I have to follow Him. I can not live this life without Hope. I can not live this life without daily Life. I can not live this life without Jesus. I just can't....

Finishing off tomorrow with: Stuck

Posted in: on Wednesday, November 07, 2007 at at 4:07 PM 3 comments  

Here's the Truth: Timing is Everything

I'm so thankful for your comments, words of encouragement, love and prayers. My words are not cheerful right this moment. They are, however, real. And I considered not posting the rest of what is going on, because I felt guilty, somehow. Like I may be throwing up on the blogging world. But, I think I am to continue on. I think I am supposed to be honest and share reality. I've already written all the posts and I am going to go ahead and continue posting them.

So, here is more on the truth of life right now.

The one thing that I am not struggling with, is whether or not we "heard" God correctly in moving down here and pursuing bible school. No, I know that we are where we are supposed to be. I believe with everything in me, that we did not make a mistake. We are doing what God told us to do.

My struggle in walking out a life of "faith," is God's timing.

We all struggle with this, I know. And maybe I am fighting with an entitlement problem here. Yes, that is probably it. I feel like we gave up so much for Him, so much. And somewhere along the lines, I thought that by giving up everything He was going to fill us anew and take care of our needs.

But His timing doesn't seem to be in line with mine. Instead I feel as though He is stripping me even more. I feel like He's making me work harder. And I feel as though, He's holding out on us.

I just don't understand His timing. If only, I could explain just how much I feel we have lost in this deal. I thought we would gain by doing this. I thought we would gain more of Him in ways that would be close to unexplainable. I thought that by choosing to walk a life of faith, He would reward us with taking care of our needs.

don't forget .... no judging here!
Up next: The Choice

Posted in: on Tuesday, November 06, 2007 at at 3:56 PM 3 comments  

Here's the Truth: Security


It seems as though every several weeks or so, I come to a point of needing to blog about reality or honestly where I am at. I think that somehow in reading each others blogs we can tend to see only one or two sides of each other. But sometimes, I need to write and be real. I need to tell someone just where I am really at, for the moment. So, if your up for a deep post or four about the realities of where I am at, then grab a cup of whatevah and get comfortable. Cause here comes the truth....

I found myself sobbing last night into my husbands shoulder. Literally just crying my eyes out. What more can we do? Who is this God that is taking us through this? That is my question. My eyes burned again this morning as I got off the phone with a friend. Things are just so tough, right now.

I don't know how to explain it thoroughly. But I am beginning to be rocked in my faith a bit. A deeper sifting of what do I want, the world or the Kingdom, is coming to head. So much of security and comfort has been stripped away as we have walked this path.

Security can come in the world. For me, it came in the form of regular paychecks, health insurance, the ability for my husband to "climb the corporate ladder." It came in knowing what day to day life looked like and working at building a future. I saw security in knowing that my bills would be paid easily that month. Security looked like to me like a watered, "more spiritual" version of the American Dream.

CJ and I ditched the American Dream when we started on the path of becoming missionaries. We wanted to dedicate fully our lives to Jesus and pursuing Him, giving and sharing, helping and loving, others into the Kingdom. That was and truthfully still is our goal.

I just didn't know what I was giving up....

Sometimes, I think we are crazy. Seriously crazy. I already know that our families think we are. I am at a point in my thinking of wondering what exactly are we going after, here?

Because the truth is, if CJ quit school and took on a job in his field, we would be out of this wretched place of trusting God to come through for us. I am being real... right now, it is wretched. We could so easily, take this matter into our own hands, and go back (still in NC) to the place of security.

Of course, I feel awful for being so truthful. I mean, living a life of faith is fun and exciting, right? No, its hard and scary and it makes you cry often. God's timing is just not mine and I don't understand it. I just don't.

I won't judge you. So please don't judge me.

up next: Timing is everything

Posted in: on Monday, November 05, 2007 at at 3:25 PM 7 comments  

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