Here's the Truth: Security
It seems as though every several weeks or so, I come to a point of needing to blog about reality or honestly where I am at. I think that somehow in reading each others blogs we can tend to see only one or two sides of each other. But sometimes, I need to write and be real. I need to tell someone just where I am really at, for the moment. So, if your up for a deep post or four about the realities of where I am at, then grab a cup of whatevah and get comfortable. Cause here comes the truth....
I found myself sobbing last night into my husbands shoulder. Literally just crying my eyes out. What more can we do? Who is this God that is taking us through this? That is my question. My eyes burned again this morning as I got off the phone with a friend. Things are just so tough, right now.
I don't know how to explain it thoroughly. But I am beginning to be rocked in my faith a bit. A deeper sifting of what do I want, the world or the Kingdom, is coming to head. So much of security and comfort has been stripped away as we have walked this path.
Security can come in the world. For me, it came in the form of regular paychecks, health insurance, the ability for my husband to "climb the corporate ladder." It came in knowing what day to day life looked like and working at building a future. I saw security in knowing that my bills would be paid easily that month. Security looked like to me like a watered, "more spiritual" version of the American Dream.
CJ and I ditched the American Dream when we started on the path of becoming missionaries. We wanted to dedicate fully our lives to Jesus and pursuing Him, giving and sharing, helping and loving, others into the Kingdom. That was and truthfully still is our goal.
I just didn't know what I was giving up....
Sometimes, I think we are crazy. Seriously crazy. I already know that our families think we are. I am at a point in my thinking of wondering what exactly are we going after, here?
Because the truth is, if CJ quit school and took on a job in his field, we would be out of this wretched place of trusting God to come through for us. I am being real... right now, it is wretched. We could so easily, take this matter into our own hands, and go back (still in NC) to the place of security.
Of course, I feel awful for being so truthful. I mean, living a life of faith is fun and exciting, right? No, its hard and scary and it makes you cry often. God's timing is just not mine and I don't understand it. I just don't.
I won't judge you. So please don't judge me.
up next: Timing is everything
I found myself sobbing last night into my husbands shoulder. Literally just crying my eyes out. What more can we do? Who is this God that is taking us through this? That is my question. My eyes burned again this morning as I got off the phone with a friend. Things are just so tough, right now.
I don't know how to explain it thoroughly. But I am beginning to be rocked in my faith a bit. A deeper sifting of what do I want, the world or the Kingdom, is coming to head. So much of security and comfort has been stripped away as we have walked this path.
Security can come in the world. For me, it came in the form of regular paychecks, health insurance, the ability for my husband to "climb the corporate ladder." It came in knowing what day to day life looked like and working at building a future. I saw security in knowing that my bills would be paid easily that month. Security looked like to me like a watered, "more spiritual" version of the American Dream.
CJ and I ditched the American Dream when we started on the path of becoming missionaries. We wanted to dedicate fully our lives to Jesus and pursuing Him, giving and sharing, helping and loving, others into the Kingdom. That was and truthfully still is our goal.
I just didn't know what I was giving up....
Sometimes, I think we are crazy. Seriously crazy. I already know that our families think we are. I am at a point in my thinking of wondering what exactly are we going after, here?
Because the truth is, if CJ quit school and took on a job in his field, we would be out of this wretched place of trusting God to come through for us. I am being real... right now, it is wretched. We could so easily, take this matter into our own hands, and go back (still in NC) to the place of security.
Of course, I feel awful for being so truthful. I mean, living a life of faith is fun and exciting, right? No, its hard and scary and it makes you cry often. God's timing is just not mine and I don't understand it. I just don't.
I won't judge you. So please don't judge me.
up next: Timing is everything
Posted in: Here's the Truth on Monday, November 05, 2007 at at 3:25 PM
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I love reading your blog because you are real. You don't pretend to have it all together or be some super Christian. I think you are so wise but yet approachable because of your honesty! Those "kinds of people" make great leaders. Thank you!
You know, I'm so glad you were able to post this. I'm glad that we bloggers are able to be open as sisters in Christ and be "real."
God brings us through hard times for a reason. That's when we learn the most, when we draw closer to him, when we grow by leaps and bounds. I know you are in a tough place right now, but try to remember that. If you haven't ever read the book "Hinds Feet on High Places," it's a great book about the highs and lows we go through as Christians - especially when we step out in faith and are confronted by some of the tough stuff in life.
Praying for you!
Oh On Fire, to be honest. I just want to tell you to come "home," to rest while your friends come around you with hugs and cups of tea and have you be "normal." But I can't because I love you too much. Being on fire isn't normal and you will find yourself very unhappy simply being normal. I couldn't bear that.
So then, I want to drive down there and pick just you up and have you spend a few days away. But your boys need you as does your husband and your housemates and all of the people God has you working with.
So I'm left to cry for you to our Dad and yell at Him for "making" you go through this, knowing that I will end up rejoicing in Him for the marvelous work He is doing in you and your family. But I'm not there yet.
Know we are crying out for you...literally crying.
I so appreciate how real you are! Seriously. How many Christians paint the pretty perfect picture? Too many.
Truth is there are times when we are on a path (and it is the right one) where life is hard. Decisions are easy (because we know in our knower that it is the right thing to do) and yet difficult. The results of those decisions cause stretching - and the stretching may range the spectrum of uncomfortable to painful.
We haven't walked the same path but in walking the path God has for me/us, I can relate...sort of. :) I know it isn't tangible but know that I am praying for you. Lifting you and your family up to Him - and believing that he will bring to completion every good word that has been spoken over you!!!
I also have to say that I enjoy reading your blog b/c you are so real. I feel like I have been able to get to know you through your blog - and have been able to pray for you on specific things.
I have no idea what you are actually going through, but I know that living on faith is not easy. I think that you guys are amazing and have such special gifts to share with those that are around you.
I know that when I have been going through trials, it is not easy at all, and I would get mad/upset with God too - but He is faithful and will continue to hold you guys in the palm of His hand as you are on His path. He will never leave you or foraske you and He loves you a lot!
On another note - that is so cool that you won the I tunes gift certificate! I hope that it will being you joy as you are able to get some new tunes - for free! :)
I agree with Amanda, I love reading what you write because you are a real, honest person with doubts and fears. You don't pretend to know everything. You don't sit on a high moutain of "working for the kingdom" and look down at the rest of us. Judge you? Never.
You, my sister, are going thorugh this very painful time because you are chosen, because nobody with a future like yours could have it if they were not refined in a very uncomfortable fire. "For the joy set before Him, Christ endured the cross." He didn't always say "yippie" He "endured" because He knew it was worth it.
Endure, Fire. It's worth it.
I read something another blogger wrote the other day that went something like this: Just because I am a Christian does not mean that I don't have real feelings.
I can totally relate to that right now and maybe it will help you too.