Today, CJ and I went to a seminar, called The Love of God Project with David Harwood. His website is currently being redone, but for future opportunity it is www.loveofGodproject.org.
Last month I wrote two posts (here and here)about searching for love from God. For as long as I can remember I have been searching for a deep passionate love. For most of my life, I searched in the wrong places.
I spent so much time reading books and watching love stories, that for most of my entire childhood, I really believed that I would find that perfect someone. You know, that man that would love me so unconditionally. When my parents split up at 16, two things happened. First, I stopped believing in God. And second, with everything in my heart, I gave up on any sort of romance. I stopped reading and dreaming. I stopped believing that there was really someone out there that would fill my heart and make me feel like I was really loved.
Then one day, I started dating my husband. And over time, I fell in love with him. He, with his own words, told me that there was no such thing as a real love story. He taught me that man was flawed and that I would never find the true perfect one. However, I was meant for this man and he was meant for me. And there was something in my mind that was ready to work at this whole committment and marriage thing. I have never regretted marrying him, since.
Not too long after we were married, God took care of the other issue, my belief in Him. He revealed Himself to me and gingerly I stepped into His following. I started reading, praying, worshipping and going to church. I was sold. God was the only thing that was going to make my life worth living for. Many years later, I am still thrilled and thankful for Him and what He has done in my life.
There is a really big BUT to this whole post. Here it is... I still feel like there is a hole in my heart that is still dying to be loved, fully loved. The kind of love that sweeps you off your feet and fills you up beyond overflowing. It's that kind of love that makes you have an eternal smile on your face. Love grounds you, sustains you, knows you inside and out, and always, always wants the best for you. This is supposed to be our God. I know in my mind that this is who He is. I read it in His word. I worship Him with music and sing about Him. But, I just haven't found that everyday smile on my face. Or the, no matter what comes my way, I know that I am loved, spot yet.
I am still searching. And today's seminar, I believe may have brought me one step closer. I have not arrived even in part yet.
David Harwood's message was overwhelmingly an information overload seminar. He spoke fast, threw tons and tons and tons and tons of scripture at us. And while I struggled to get some of his points, I was thankful to be there and to know that I am not the only one who is dying to know real love from our God.
Something that I need to work at getting my "head" wrapped around was this understanding that we were a gift God made for himself. This whole thought process is a post in itself. I may write about it at some point in order to help me understand it better.
Even greater was his point of, "if we find that place of true love in God, then we will be able to see how God looks at others and love them that way too." Yet, another thing I have been crying out for, to have an undying love and compassion for the lost and even the "found."
I just know that if I really understood His love for me, if I really got it and held it special in my heart. Then I would be at peace. I would have joy! I would have gentleness. I would have great compassion.
Our God is not a God who wants us to jump threw hoops in order for us to gain His love. He isn't looking for us to stand on our heads and convert a whole city to Him, in order to find favor with Him. He loves me for me. He adores me for my firey attitude. He thinks I am beautiful, even though I am not even close to a size 8. He understands what is going on in my head. He is for me, not against me. He is the only one who will ever understand me to the fullest.
Now why can't I just get that down in my heart and soul? When will I be at the point of knowing that without a shadow of a doubt, I am His special daughter, the one He dotes on? WHEN WILL IT SINK IN???
Posted in: on Saturday, September 16, 2006 at at 6:52 PM