Conversations in My Head

"Being among people means being in their midst, not outisde. It means being with them, not being over them. It means not looking away from their agony or humilation, but beholding it, and having the courage to be also wounded by their pain." pg. 30 of the book, God in the Alley.

I read this today. Then I read it about 10 more times. Finally I wrote it down on a piece of paper, shared it with my husband, read it again several more times, and internally talked with God about these 3 sentences.

When CJ and I moved here for Bible School, it was the idea that someday we would be missionaries. While that has not changed, I will say that recently God has been conducting some deep soul searching in me.

Here are the questions I am fighting with....

Am I really willing to give up the comforts of the American life for perhaps a third world country?
Am I willing to not only give up my life, my husbands life, BUT my childrens lives?
Do I really want to get in the midst of people who are not like me, who don't see Jesus the way I do?

Can I handle worshipping my God in a different language?

Can I handle worshipping Him underground, quietly, without any sort of mega church fan fare?
Will I hold up?
Am I really willing to sacrifice all for Him?

I wish I could answer yes, confidently and quickly to all these questions. But that would be a lie.

The fact is, I have not been called to a missionaries life today. Phew! I am sure that many missionaries struggled with these same questions during their time of preparation and education.

I can tell you this, my heart yearns to say yes to every single one of those questions and more. I desire to be bold and couragious and full of complete trust in Him. I want nothing more then to be totally surrendered to Him.

And since I know that my God answers the desires of our hearts, then I know I will be ready and confident when it is time.


  1. Oh, Fire, He's so very proud of you! You're learning these wondeful lessons and being so faithful. These are excellent thoughts to bring before Him because there are some who do not think these things until they are there. You are prparing to be a missionary before leaving your home. Be blessed today!

  2. Your heart of longing is such a blessing to me, I can only imagine how it blesses Our Father. I have no doubt that the reason you are even asking yourself these questions is because HE sees your longing to abandon yourself into total obedience, whatever HE asks of you. The rest of us rarely ask ourselves such questions, and even rarer still ask with such a passionate intent to be able to say "YES!"

  3. Wonderful thoughts, thank you for posting these. I am going to have to meditate on these!