As we continue on sorting through the relics of our past, one of the biggest things that hit me was the load of "love letters" I had acquired. Also, I had tons of pictures, journal entries, and little momentous from past boyfriends. I am amazed at what I still had.
Now, let's get something straight, I never considered myself as someone who was good looking, dated alot, popular, etc in high school. In fact on a scale of 1-10, my self esteem was probably close to 3 or 4. But, truth be told, somehow I did have my share of boyfriends.
Looking through those letters and especially journal entries, I quickly returned to the days of my teenage years, where my heart was in constant turmoil. I was in such a desperate place of wanting to be loved. The "search" was bigger then anything else going on in my life. I wanted someone to love me and adore me totally. I am pretty sure that books and lack of understanding reality, helped to secure my feverish mission.
And yet, I remember my teen years as the most miserable years of my life. No one could ever satisfy the emptiness inside of me. No one. And when I was dumped or I did the dumping, it put me into even more of a place of insecurity.
As I moved out of my teens, I found a man who could somewhat satisfy my heart, my husband. He loved me as unconditionally as he possibly could.
It wasn't enough....
Please understand, this isn't a slam against my husband. Because he is an incredible man, whom I love with all my heart and adore mostly everything about him. But, he is human and he messes up and we have to work to have a good relationship.
Looking back, I wish with all my might, that I would have heeded the call, from my Lord. I wish that the time, my "boyfriend" handed me a tape of Petra, that I would have allowed my heart to seek who they were truly singing about.
Letting Jesus invade my heart has given me such strength, hope and purpose. Moreover, He has given me love in such a deeper way then I could ever receive from someone on earth.
And for me, His love keeps building and getting better. The more, I hand myself over to Him, the more I feel like the hole in my heart that could never be totally filled, is slowly closing.
#3 on my list of what I learned from my memories....
The mission for love is complete! I have found the only One who will love me unconditionally, no matter what. I found the One, who loves the innermost part of me, that I can't even express. I found the One, who would literally die for me. I found Him and I won't give Him up for anything!
Posted in: on Sunday, July 23, 2006 at at 8:26 PM