I have a constant internal dialogue going on, mostly with God. Usually it is something I am working through. Many times I am praying inside my head asking God what to do about a certain situation.
A theme started for me about 18 months ago. More and more, my brain and conversations with the Lord gear around it. Sometimes its on my mind daily, sometimes I will go a few weeks without digging further. Right now, its really on my mind.
I have realized, that I only have ONE life to live. That's it. That's all I have on this earth. I am not coming back. There is no such thing as reincarnation. I won't raise my children again or be 25, 30, 40, etc again. I will only have this whole day, one time.
I understand that this sounds morbid. But in my mind, its not. And I do recognize that there is a sneaky ugly path to regrets that I am choosing to avoid.
No, my conversations with Him are not about the past or death. My conversations with Him are about really trying to live every day thoroughly and about recognizing who God made me to be.
For awhile now, I have been looking at myself and embracing who God created me as. I realize that I really love folk, guitar christian God loving music. I realize that I like to organize. I know that I enjoy motherhood and am equipped for it, but that I also need regular breaks. I see myself as someone who loves deeply and enjoys helping others. I am finding out that I am adventurous but sometimes reserved. I am learning that I do have authority and that I am called to use it. I see that I yearn for more compassion and to let the well of emotions flow out more often.
What's been on mind more and more though, is what to do with all of this. I keep remembering that this life is it. While I am embracing who God created me as, I am praying that He will begin to put me together a little more.
I don't want to waste my days. And I feel like I am. Okay, back up and hear me thoroughly. I am not wasting my days as a stay at home mom. I AM however, wasting my days with sleep, or tv, or surfing the net, or worrying, or unforgiveness, or feeling lonely, or fear, or checking out of life at the moment. You get what I am saying???
I want my body and mind to catch up with my spirit, will, and dreams!!! I want to be flowing with God, no matter what the circumstances around me are. I want to be level, steady, and confident in who I am. I want to grow and change, as I need to. I want to stop thinking about how we only have one life to live and instead start fully living it. I don't want to be tired, or in pain, or even lazy, anymore. I want to totally live life. I want to wake up every morning feeling energized and pumped for what God has for the day, especially with my children. I want to wake up refreshed and ready to live that day.