Showing posts with label melancoly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label melancoly. Show all posts

It's Okay, It's Just One of Those Days

It's a rainy day here. I'm sitting with a warm cup of coffee cocoa and Rita Springer on in the background. I'm not sure if its the weather or the throbbing tension headache or the achiness of fibromylgia in my body, but I'm feeling quite melancholy today.

It's days like today, that I would give just about anything for God to do that teleportation thing. I'm talking the "beam me up, Scotty" idea. Because if I could, I would have at least one of my five dearest friends in the world transported, without travel exhaustion or weariness, from Pennsylvania down here to my sweet home in North Carolina. I would offer them a warm cup of tea, our kids would play together beautifully, and we would putz around my home talking about normal life, digging deep, encouraging each other, and doing what best friends do, loving each other where we are at.

As much as I adore my phone calls, and I really do, it just can't replace having one of my closest friends sitting before me.

I've written about it before, the feeling of loneliness, the depths of friendships that I had and now treasure even more then ever. And when I'm feeling like I am today, I sometimes, to the point of tears, recollect the easiness of the friendships I had in the past. I allow my mind to think about the days, that I could call friends and within an hour be in their homes for the morning or afternoon, being real.

Truthfully, my loneliness has subsided in great measures over time. Now, I just find myself deeply thankful for what I had in the past. And I realize, should God ever choose to give me that kind of friendship again, that I will value it even more. I will cherish it.

Posted in: , on Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at at 2:34 PM 3 comments  

Easy, Yeah Right


I seriously want to throw in the towel. It sounds horrible, I know. Even though I don't really want to, part of me just wants CJ to quit school, get a cushy job again and have a steady income with benefits flowing in the door. I miss not having to pay for babysitting, friends my own age and stage, and doing life together. Sometimes, I wish that following the Lord could be easier.

Posted in: , on Wednesday, August 01, 2007 at at 2:40 PM 6 comments  

Do You Ever Feel This Way?

I just want to be satisfied with being Mom, nothing else, nothing more. I want to delight in knowing that this is where my Father has me right now, for this time in my life. I want to enjoy the days when all I have to do is be with my kids. I want to deeply enjoy what I have right now, right here.

It's the end of the trimester, finals week. CJ is exhausted and up to his ears in work. Everyone in my family got hit with the cold/sinus/sore throat bug. And I am feeling run down, weary, and lonely.

At the end of the day, for months now, I have been looking at my self and what I have accomplished as a mom. For me, its just not good enough. I am not satisfied.

When I pray, I feel like the Lord is showing me that this is a season. By going through all of this, I will be an even better mom.

Sometimes, I just want to throw in the towel and say, "I am done. I just can't go any further. I can't."

And that...is me being real.

Posted in: , on Thursday, July 19, 2007 at at 9:57 PM 4 comments  

Sometimes I Just Want to Have a Good Cry

Ahh. A moment to myself. I just sat down, with a cup of mocha coffee and read several blogs. Now, I have I Sleep, by Misty Edwards on. I'm a little melancoly, right now.


And I just had a good cry.

It started because of watching a Tribute to Lurdes on Accidental Blogs site. I had been keeping up on Lurdes through the missionaries website (her brother and sil had been part of our old church for a time.) It was quite a surprise when she had passed away. I hadn't checked the website for some time now and was unaware of the tribute. It was so good to find it today. Anyways...

It felt good to cry. I am struggling with crying these days. There are many times that I walk around with a lump in my throat. Once in awhile my voice will crack and I will feel it welling up.

Then instinctively, I will swallow it down and push on.

The problem is, I want to cry. I want to get that pent up emotion inside out. I want to let go a little more often. Outside of myself, I desire to be deeply moved with compassion too, more then I have now.

It's all in me. Every once in awhile it comes out.

It's wierd. But I feel as though there is this invisible wall inside of me that is preventing me from letting go.
**Note: I really am fine. I am not walking around with the lump in my throat because I am unhappy. It's more from normal situations, things I am working through in my head, desiring for deeper compassion for others.... that sort of stuff!

Posted in: on Thursday, April 19, 2007 at at 1:11 PM 1 comments  

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